Foolish Pride

I'm a very prideful person. So as I sit here & cry I think about all my wrongs I've done due to my pride. I disrespected you as a man. Speaking to you as if you were a little bitch & not a grown man. The countless times I've hung up in your face after you asked me time and time again not to. I've mistreated you because I was angry with someone else and you didn't do anything to deserve it. Calling you names out of anger. Being a bitch for no reason. All due to my foolish pride. I know I'm not perfect. Not by a long shot. But I do know I could have done better. Better at trying to trust you. Better at trying to ease the insecuritites lurking deep inside of you. Better to be better for you. My pride wouldn't let me. My pride made me a foolish girl about many things instead of the "grown" person that I claimed to be. By no means am I trying to win you over. I know better to think that you can be so easily persuaded. It's just that after the numb feeling fades the reality sets in. No means do I want you to feel sorry for me. I'm not looking for that. My pride is speaking because like I told you before to hurt you is to hurt myself. That's what I've been doing this entire time. I admit the cause of the problems was me. The reason for 80% of the arguments was me. The reason I was angry was me. I do admit that I love you & care about you & that is definitely something that pride will never take from me.

So to all of you who let your inflated pride get the best of you I am proof that it only hurts yourself.

I Prayed

Sitting in a dimly lit bathroom, I cried. And cried, & cried, & cried some more. I sat in a tub full of hot water until it turned cold. How could they have been so selfish? How could they not have told me? Didn't I have a right to know? Chills over come my entire body at this point but all I can do is cry. "That slut," I yell out. Frustrated. Heartbroken. Shocked. Anguish. Hatred. Just a few words that describe how I'm feeling. My entire life has been a lie. My identity, no longer am I sure of. Who am I? I question myself. Then I cry. Never been a super religious person. Never been to church since I hit my 20's. I read my Bible every now and again. I remembered what a good friend of mine had said. "When you're lost for answers. Ask God. When you feel like no one is there for you. God is right by your side. When the darkness overwhelms you. God will be your light." I got out of the icy cold water, and I took to my knees. In the same suit I was born in I began to pray. As I prayed, I cried. I prayed harder & louder. I cried more and more. I prayed & cried until I was spent. There I lay on the bathroom floor until I fell asleep. In the morning when I had awaken from my slumber I had nomore tears. The sun was shining. The birds were chirping. The hustle & bustle of the busy street below let me know that I had made it through the night. With not an ounce of any of the emotions that I felt the previous night, I smile. Still bearing my naked body I began to pray. I prayed & I cried. In my rawest form I thanked God for answering my prayers rapidly. Giving me the strength to get through the night. For taking away that pain inflicted upon me. And most of all, for giving me the breath to see yet another day. With a smile on my face I knew that giving it to God would allow me to be okay.